So, this weekend has been my weekend with my sons ( their dad and father of Bailey and I divorced in 2002). When our daughter was in the hospital on life support we were assigned a counselor by the hospital and she told us right there that the probability of us divorcing were high. The statistics show an 80% divorce rate for couples who lose an only child. Even with that knowledge, we didn't beat the odds. It truly saddens me that our sons really have never known their mom and dad together. There is nothing I can do now, unfortunately, to change that. During my "crazy" years post-tragic event and divorce, I ended up marrying two times and divorced two MORE times. Those marriages were on a whim and for all the wrong reasons. They were doomed from the beginning. Let's just say now that I am taking an extended break from dating, marriage, etc. I have spent the last year completely single and intend on keeping it that way for a while. I have finally found that "inner peace" from within and the only way I could of ever done that is by being "alone".
I have embraced being a single mom and having to share our sons. I cannot undo what's been done. I can only turn those nasty lemons into refreshing lemonade! That's where crafting comes in. As I've mentioned before, I was big into scrapbooking when my daughter was alive. After her death I completed the book I had started for her when she was born; from birth to death (even the grave site :( ). I hung up my trimmer and never looked back for years. It was that glorious HSN Cricut presentation that did it for me. I wanted that bug and I was GOING to have it! Well....I got it. Boy, did I get it. The bug has bitten!! Thank you Provo Craft. LOL
For me, crafting is therapeutic. I can go into my craft room, create, listen to music, make things to add a little sunshine into other people's lives by handcrafting a card or gift, and channel that anxious energy in a constructive manner. I am not spinning my wheels like I used to. I was so consumed with grief and anxiety after Bailey's death that nothing else seemed to matter. She passed away in 1998 and soon after I was diagnosed with post-traumatice stress disorder, as well as, the obvious depression and grief. I have truly lived a rollercoaster of a life since August 5, 1998 (the date of the tragedy that put Bailey into a coma, she died Aug. 7). My therapist explained that post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can take 10 or more years to run its course. I guess that happened to me. I feel from the core of my soul that I literally lost 10 years plus of my life. It took all these years to "find myself" (corny cliche, I know, but the only words I can think of to describe this feeling) and get the old Kimmy back.
As I am writing this, I am realizing why I could not scrapbook for all those years. Whenever I go through old pictures I subconciously look at the image as "pre" or "post" Bailey. You can see it in my eyes. It's like a HUGE billboard just screaming out either "I'm so happy" or "I'm suffering and horribly sad". It took a long time to be able to look at those pre-Bailey photos again. It took a long time for me to have the ability to look at old pictures and not bawl. I still get sad sometimes, but now I can look at those photos and smile and reflect upon all the memories that led to that little princess' existence. It was her existence and death that brought my little prince charmings, Noah and Jackson, into this world. I thank God every day for my sons. I am not sure I would be here today if it weren't for them. That is quite a big job for such little boys and I try to remember that and not place that heavy burden on them and just let them be happy children that will grow into strong, loving, men.
It is not my goal of this blog to be depressing and make you cry (I say that with tears streaming down my face). My plan is to just write the sad stuff in small doses on occassion. My life has been pretty heart breaking for many, many years and there is so much to tell I could write a novel. Actually, I have had so many people, including therapists, tell me I should write a book. However, for me, blogging is just plain easier. So, I will just journal once in a while, but what I really want to focus on is paper crafting. Journaling is therapy, but what makes me smile is making projects and sharing them with you. What I want for readers is pretty simple. Find some inspiration to craft something and have gratitude for those little things in life that make you who you are.
I am going to work on some projects this evening and hopefully post them soon. Not sure what they will be yet, but I can assure you I will be racing to my scap room the moment the boys leave. Why I didn't get back into sooner I don't understand. So much drama, heartache, and stress could have really been avoided if I would have never packed up my scrapbooking supplies and said goodbye.
It is well overdue to get these boys' scrapbooks going. I have decided I am going to make another one for Bailey, too. There are just too many neat techniques to use that I didn't have the knowledge to apply back when I did hers. It also didn't help that I was a basketcase at the time I did much of hers. I cringe at some of the pages when I look back at it. Oh, why didn't someone tell me to give those darn decorative scissors a break!
On a positive note (I promise not to make this a depressing blog), I did get a few new "goodies" over the weekend. My favorite purchase is my Fiskars crimper. Too cool! Love it. I have spent way too much money buying new "goodies", but nothing makes me happier than a new pack of paper or new set of stamps (btw I just started stamping, didn't do it before)! Oh well, it makes me happy to sit in my scrapping space with my shih tzu, Spike, my ipod, and that little piece of sunshine in the form of a machine...the Cricut!!
Kids are calling. Gotta get them ready for their dad to pick them up.